"revisiting the shadows
of where I once stood
not once do I flinch
this is my neighbourhood
familiar by name
this dark place has become
and now where I stand
this blackness is home."
~Arthena Sophia
This place, this dark place of my own solitude and secrets smells of camphor and whiskey. This place welcomes me again as I wonder the endless book cases of my thoughts during this life. I walk over to one, which seems dusty n old, and read the context "growing up". As I open the pages I laugh at all of the thoughts I have had on this very subject. Today I realized as I traveled via public transport, how juvinile we are in our 20's. We have no idea who we are, not even individually. We are still a slave to our emotions, even if we ponder them. We still take everything personally. So I look at myself, and who I have become, and who I want to be. The things I take personally, are now meant for me to personally take, and transmute into something more. My reaction to non-acceptance, my aggressive opinions meant to antagonize, and my reaction to ignorance, all are ways to which I am becoming mature. Now as I transition 8 to 9 (coded, don't try to figure it out) I stumble upon an insight that I was cultivating long before this moment. The subject of maturity.
Many people who are acclaimed minds have stated along the lines that maturity is the responsibility of self, all emotions, thoughts and behaviours. But I will take it a bit further now, maturity IS the age which one no longer needs the temperament of childhood to create what they desire. For example: whining. A mature person will not whine to get something, they will simply ask. A second example is temper tantrums: a mature person will not rant and flail when they do not obtain what they want, but accept the circumstance and try another way to which they may receive it (void of emotional outbursts).
I took stock in a relationship that I had when I was 36 and my boyfriend was 22. We lived together for a short while. But I grew frustrated, and actually had a few temper tantrums, when he would not behave how I wanted him to. How juvinile of me to even expect. At 22, a legal adult is not a man, he has barely left his mother's womb. There is no way for the average 22 year old to even comprehend the demands of life, and the responsibility to self if they choose to grow. My gosh, at 22, all I wanted to do was dance, drink, hang out with friends, copulate, and shop. I had no desire to work hard, save, pay bills, and be a responsible member of society. I still lived at home, and had most of my things covered for survival. Life was easy... but I was a brat. When I revisit my clueless expectations of this relationship, I see how ignorant and lost I really was. Now, as I am approached by 20 somethings, I look at what they have to offer me, and what I have to offer them - and if it is mutually beneficial. I also must look at my realistic expectations of a relationship with these people.
I hear over and over again the cries of babies in adult bodies wanting love... yet, is their not a neighbouring infant also crying the same cries? They should arrange a play date and end their tears. But it is not that simple. Society expects so much of those graduating from university in their mid 20's that I feel we as a society need to stop this. These young people are still of infant mind. Their needs are still of ego, and narcissm. They simply need time to grow UP. The only sure fire way for any young person to mature at an earlier age, is when they are made to work to support the home, or go out to find food for their siblings. Or be sent out to beg, so that the family has heat for the winter. THIS grows maturity. Life experience grows maturity. Not neccesarily AGE. I was talking to a brilliant mind yesterday how one woman I knew lived at home, unmarried, until she was 46 (when we stopped being in contact). Yet in so many ways, she was a child. A girl in a woman's body wanting a mate to behave as daddy. Oh how this is so misguided in our age today. We coddle our children way too long, and protect ourselves from them leaving the nest - but they must. They must go out and see the world on their own.
I observe now, the millennials who are not 20'something cool, but are actually adult fools trying to find the emerald city. They are told to do this or buy that, yet have no clear guidance how to be who they are. This is one of my jobs, or life purposes. Not to raise another persons adult child, but to let them know that it is ok to explore the world, to wonder the dark corridors of self, to feel all emotions and to learn to master them. I encourage all people, of all ages still stuck in infancy, to leave the nest, to fly. We cannot truly know who we are, until we are tested with life trials to find out. Only through pain, pressure, discomfort and survival, will we know how strong, vulnerable, wise, ignorant, intelligent or dumb we are. Only when we are brave enough to light a torch to enter the unknown, will we then know ourselves.
My writing of this blog is a way for me to acknowledge where I have gone, and remind myself where I am going. today I hold onto the adage "do not let the behaviour of others disturb your inner peace." It is on this day, that I feel, I may have begun to apply this.
Peace and Light as you travel your shadows,
Arthena Sophia
