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| Ryohei Hase - "Empty hole inside of me" |
The center of all of my pain, anguish, desperation, longing, and resentment. It was terrifying. And yet, now that it is found, I can collect what I need to to start to heal that aspect torn from my whole self.
I did not realize that I had re-told a story so well that even I didn't know my truth... not at this deep of level. Well, I asked for it, and the corners of my shade were revealed. I will not go into details, but I am on the path to find out why I self sabotage, and what the reasons are behind it. Sure I can say because I feel unworthy, and undeserving... but in actuality it is the opposite. I totally feel I deserve it and am greatly worthy... but I am perturbed that not many others seems to feel this way. I am tired walking this lonely road of the hermitted over-thinker. The brilliant female mind among a sea of male condemnation. I am also tired. Tired of searching, seeking, and yearning for something that is out of my reach. I chose to stop seeking in my dreams, and as a result of this practice, I have also stopped searching to 'fix' myself in my reality. I do not know the path I walk, as it is basked in shadow. I only know that the light within me guides me to a truth which will set me free. Sadly, I had to cut pretty deep to reveal the skin that was falsely covering up a history of delusion. As a strong and bold woman, to come face to face with a deep vulnerability was a shame all unto itself. I do not feel shame, well, I didn't feel shame. Until recently. I am ashamed that it has taken me so long to uncover this painful part of me. Yet, as my pain body begins to express itself, I am present to listen and follow up with actions to provide me with clarity, energy, and empowerment renewed.
To revisit pain, is to see anew, what was once unseen.
May my path provide me with the personal power I deserve, to change my life for the best.
By Arthena Sophia
