The Deepest Cut

Ryohei Hase - "Empty hole inside of me"

I found it.
The center of all of my pain, anguish, desperation, longing, and resentment.  It was terrifying.  And yet, now that it is found, I can collect what I need to to start to heal that aspect torn from my whole self.
I did not realize that I had re-told a story so well that even I didn't know my truth... not at this deep of level.  Well, I asked for it, and the corners of my shade were revealed.  I will not go into details, but I am on the path to find out why I self sabotage, and what the reasons are behind it.  Sure I can say because I feel unworthy, and undeserving... but in actuality it is the opposite.  I totally feel I deserve it and am greatly worthy... but I am perturbed that not many others seems to feel this way.  I am tired walking this lonely road of the hermitted over-thinker.  The brilliant female mind among a sea of male condemnation.  I am also tired. Tired of searching, seeking, and yearning for something that is out of my reach.  I chose to stop seeking in my dreams, and as a result of this practice, I have also stopped searching to 'fix' myself in my reality.  I do not know the path I walk, as it is basked in shadow.  I only know that the light within me guides me to a truth which will set me free.  Sadly, I had to cut pretty deep to reveal the skin that was falsely covering up a history of delusion.  As a strong and bold woman, to come face to face with a deep vulnerability was a shame all unto itself.  I do not feel shame, well, I didn't feel shame. Until recently.  I am ashamed that it has taken me so long to uncover this painful part of me.  Yet, as my pain body begins to express itself, I am present to listen and follow up with actions to provide me with clarity, energy, and empowerment renewed. 

To revisit pain, is to see anew, what was once unseen.
May my path provide me with the personal power I deserve, to change my life for the best.

By Arthena Sophia

Lonely & Wonderful

"I am the loneliest most wonderful woman you will ever meet.  I will make you laugh, and feel great about yourself. Yet deep down, I don't know how to do it for myself."

If you meet me, as a client, you will think I am so happy, and poised, and confident, and talented and knowledgeable.  You will wonder how I could be alone, or single, or not making millions of dollars... it is because I have been shown, I am not worth anyone's time.  Now, before you assume that I feel I am not worthy, on the contrary.  I KNOW I am worthy.  I have people that I am friendly with, but I have no friends.  No one hangs out with me, no one invites me out.  No one says "hey a bunch of us are meeting here, it would be amazing if you joined us."  I have tried to organize gatherings, to no avail.  I have invited work colleagues for drinks with an interest until a date is selected, then no one is available.  And then no other date is made.  I have gone out of my way to ensure that no one has to feel the way I do.  I am giving, and loving and passionate - Yet the only people who know live in other countries or continents.  My best friends are the 5 felines who live with me.  I have never been in a loving relationship that wasn't 1 sided.  And no man has ever adored me so much so as to go out of his way to make me feel special.  My local friends don't call, or text or even show up on my social media.

I AM AN EMPTY VESSEL

No one sees me.

My apartment is a mess cause I don't have the will to clean it, though I try daily to.  I have started to try to wear make up on most days just to ensure that I look somewhat attractive to others.  I have suffered depression but what I really suffer is from a lack of connection.  I try not to wear my pain on my sleeve cause a weeping 40 something year old is pathetic.  I am exercising, eating better, utilizing more positive self talk and yet... these feelings of woe - of paralyzing loneliness affect me.  I am in enamored with a man, who I cannot express my feelings to (it's complicated), I have a mother who adores me to know end who it would tear her heart to know I feel like this.  But I do.  As much as I bury it, it is there.  What do I want?  I want people to actively let me know that I am valued, that I matter in their life.  I want them to keep asking me to go out until I finally do  I want to stop only being down on Sundays, and I want to live my fucking life - outside!  I want to meet people who stay in my life, who actively care about what my thoughts are.  Who can have intelligent conversations with me and move my soul.  I am trapped in an undesirable body, so that keeps a lot of people away - and to top it off, most days, I don't give a fuck to dress well.

I know this time it is not SAD as I was fine yesterday - fine this week - then suddenly, like a transport truck hit me - a tsunami of emotional sorrow hits me.  And the rawness of just how alone I feel comes.  I don't know how many people in my situation feel this way - but I am sharing this now.  This is my soul.

I live in a wasteland of zombies - too attached to their electronic devices.  Too scared to make eye contact or smile.  My resting bitch face is becoming tiresome... and I want to smile!  I want to feel so overjoyed that when I enter a room, I am not faking it.  I want people to see me.  I want a man to ask me out to dinner and not then go MIA when I accept and want to make plans.  I want the man who I adore currently to know how I feel, yet I fear telling him... cause I don't know if it is real, or just perceived in a false perspective.  So I say nothing... cause really - what would it do?  I have risked before, and been left by the wayside - so now, I risk nothing.  I say nothing.  I just hope that all of the writings of eroticism allure him and he let's me know that he knows how I feel, and it is either ok, or he feels the same.  I don't wish to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

My days are spent hiding.  Watching TV shows and living vicariously through other people and characters.  I have no life, I have an existence.  I feel more comfortable dropping $1400 on a vacation in a foreign country than to drop $20 on a cover charge to meet up with people who don't get me.  Maybe I am pathetic, maybe I am to be sad and lonely all of the days of my life... but on days like this, I want it all to end.  I want to die - yet I am too cowardly to end my life.  If it were not for my five felines, I swear I would simply find a way to end my days.  I fight daily to keep my sanity, to project an appearance that everything is ok, that I am in the best place of my life.  Well I am not.  And I just wish, someone would see me, and say "hey, wanna grab a drink and have a great conversation?"

Til then, I hide in my home and cry as I write this.  It may just be a pathetic 40 something year old seeking attention, or it may just be a woman reaching out, hoping that someone sees her hand, and holds on. Tomorrow I will wear the mask of *all is well* again.  But today, I weep, and wash my soul.  Since I am the only one who sees the wonderful person that I am, and dares to give me what I need.

Hermitting Among Trees

I have city sickness.


This is a mental disorder not yet published by psychologists or persons within the mental health research facilities.  It exhibits as Anthropophobia (yet I am not afraid), and depression, and anxiety.  Yet I have a strong pull to be in nature - an even stronger aversion to be away from people.

I love the sun, and the river, and the wild life, and the trees... oh the trees.  I love dirt under my feet and the breeze in my hair.  Yet I strongly, and with great passion, detest people.  I spend hours during sunny days in my apartment, wishing I could live in the open air, and far far away from any living person.  I dream of isolation and the quiet of the machines as I sit by the moving water and allow the forest to embrace me.

There are days when I am able to handle the urban jungle, and my interactions with the human race that dwells around me.  But their music, chatter of things that don't matter, loud machines, and ignorance really gets to me at times.  I would score high on depression tests, and even in need with anger management intervention.  But these are just symptoms.  I am suffering at the hands of capitalism - in a way much greater than most talk about.

I don't like people.  At the core, I would drop a bomb on us all.  We are selfish, cruel, greedy, insecure, arrogant, and evil creatures.  Yes I am aware of the few or many who are beautiful spirits... but not around me, and lately, not within me.

I fantasize about mass attacks, chaos, anarchy and I pray for it's arrival.  I pray for the shit to kick humanity in the ass so hard that there is rectal bleeding, and the only way to survive it is to take away our need for greed.  Remove the cement and steel and live the way we were supposed to.  With the trees in the forests, jungles, and among the meadows and fields.

these are the symptoms I experience. If you have them too, know you are not alone:

• Depression
• Anger
• Anxiety
• Hopelessness
• Lethargy
• Drastic Appetite Changes
• Sleep Disturbances
• Low Sex Drive
• Anti Social Behaviour
• Isolation
• Inability to maintain or gain meaningful relationships
• Lack of focus
• Strong Dreams/Fantasies
• Yearning to go into a people free forest
• Skin Eruptions
• Breathing Disorders 
• Extreme Loneliness

Now this is not a complete list, and having any of these on their own is not indicative of City Sickness.  This is simply what I have been suffering from for the last 2 years, and it is getting worse.  I am not a doctor, but I do hope a doctor or medical student sees this, and learns about Urban Illnesses on Mental Health.  I feel that there is not secular illnesses anymore, but rather these are symptoms of a much larger problem.

What I propose, is that there be an organization put in place to raise money so that those with City Sickness gain access to people-less areas to reconnect to their soul, to their very being while here.  Say even mini cabins are built about half a kilometer away from one another in a large park or forest on private property so that those like me may go in isolation of other people and reconnect to the humane part of being human.


~ A soul entry of Arthena Sophia