"I am the loneliest most wonderful woman you will ever meet. I will make you laugh, and feel great about yourself. Yet deep down, I don't know how to do it for myself."
If you meet me, as a client, you will think I am so happy, and poised, and confident, and talented and knowledgeable. You will wonder how I could be alone, or single, or not making millions of dollars... it is because I have been shown, I am not worth anyone's time. Now, before you assume that I feel I am not worthy, on the contrary. I KNOW I am worthy. I have people that I am friendly with, but I have no friends. No one hangs out with me, no one invites me out. No one says "hey a bunch of us are meeting here, it would be amazing if you joined us." I have tried to organize gatherings, to no avail. I have invited work colleagues for drinks with an interest until a date is selected, then no one is available. And then no other date is made. I have gone out of my way to ensure that no one has to feel the way I do. I am giving, and loving and passionate - Yet the only people who know live in other countries or continents. My best friends are the 5 felines who live with me. I have never been in a loving relationship that wasn't 1 sided. And no man has ever adored me so much so as to go out of his way to make me feel special. My local friends don't call, or text or even show up on my social media.
I AM AN EMPTY VESSEL
No one sees me.
My apartment is a mess cause I don't have the will to clean it, though I try daily to. I have started to try to wear make up on most days just to ensure that I look somewhat attractive to others. I have suffered depression but what I really suffer is from a lack of connection. I try not to wear my pain on my sleeve cause a weeping 40 something year old is pathetic. I am exercising, eating better, utilizing more positive self talk and yet... these feelings of woe - of paralyzing loneliness affect me. I am in enamored with a man, who I cannot express my feelings to (it's complicated), I have a mother who adores me to know end who it would tear her heart to know I feel like this. But I do. As much as I bury it, it is there. What do I want? I want people to actively let me know that I am valued, that I matter in their life. I want them to keep asking me to go out until I finally do I want to stop only being down on Sundays, and I want to live my fucking life - outside! I want to meet people who stay in my life, who actively care about what my thoughts are. Who can have intelligent conversations with me and move my soul. I am trapped in an undesirable body, so that keeps a lot of people away - and to top it off, most days, I don't give a fuck to dress well.
I know this time it is not SAD as I was fine yesterday - fine this week - then suddenly, like a transport truck hit me - a tsunami of emotional sorrow hits me. And the rawness of just how alone I feel comes. I don't know how many people in my situation feel this way - but I am sharing this now. This is my soul.
I live in a wasteland of zombies - too attached to their electronic devices. Too scared to make eye contact or smile. My resting bitch face is becoming tiresome... and I want to smile! I want to feel so overjoyed that when I enter a room, I am not faking it. I want people to see me. I want a man to ask me out to dinner and not then go MIA when I accept and want to make plans. I want the man who I adore currently to know how I feel, yet I fear telling him... cause I don't know if it is real, or just perceived in a false perspective. So I say nothing... cause really - what would it do? I have risked before, and been left by the wayside - so now, I risk nothing. I say nothing. I just hope that all of the writings of eroticism allure him and he let's me know that he knows how I feel, and it is either ok, or he feels the same. I don't wish to make anyone feel uncomfortable.
My days are spent hiding. Watching TV shows and living vicariously through other people and characters. I have no life, I have an existence. I feel more comfortable dropping $1400 on a vacation in a foreign country than to drop $20 on a cover charge to meet up with people who don't get me. Maybe I am pathetic, maybe I am to be sad and lonely all of the days of my life... but on days like this, I want it all to end. I want to die - yet I am too cowardly to end my life. If it were not for my five felines, I swear I would simply find a way to end my days. I fight daily to keep my sanity, to project an appearance that everything is ok, that I am in the best place of my life. Well I am not. And I just wish, someone would see me, and say "hey, wanna grab a drink and have a great conversation?"
Til then, I hide in my home and cry as I write this. It may just be a pathetic 40 something year old seeking attention, or it may just be a woman reaching out, hoping that someone sees her hand, and holds on. Tomorrow I will wear the mask of *all is well* again. But today, I weep, and wash my soul. Since I am the only one who sees the wonderful person that I am, and dares to give me what I need.
I AM AN EMPTY VESSEL
No one sees me.
My apartment is a mess cause I don't have the will to clean it, though I try daily to. I have started to try to wear make up on most days just to ensure that I look somewhat attractive to others. I have suffered depression but what I really suffer is from a lack of connection. I try not to wear my pain on my sleeve cause a weeping 40 something year old is pathetic. I am exercising, eating better, utilizing more positive self talk and yet... these feelings of woe - of paralyzing loneliness affect me. I am in enamored with a man, who I cannot express my feelings to (it's complicated), I have a mother who adores me to know end who it would tear her heart to know I feel like this. But I do. As much as I bury it, it is there. What do I want? I want people to actively let me know that I am valued, that I matter in their life. I want them to keep asking me to go out until I finally do I want to stop only being down on Sundays, and I want to live my fucking life - outside! I want to meet people who stay in my life, who actively care about what my thoughts are. Who can have intelligent conversations with me and move my soul. I am trapped in an undesirable body, so that keeps a lot of people away - and to top it off, most days, I don't give a fuck to dress well.
I know this time it is not SAD as I was fine yesterday - fine this week - then suddenly, like a transport truck hit me - a tsunami of emotional sorrow hits me. And the rawness of just how alone I feel comes. I don't know how many people in my situation feel this way - but I am sharing this now. This is my soul.
I live in a wasteland of zombies - too attached to their electronic devices. Too scared to make eye contact or smile. My resting bitch face is becoming tiresome... and I want to smile! I want to feel so overjoyed that when I enter a room, I am not faking it. I want people to see me. I want a man to ask me out to dinner and not then go MIA when I accept and want to make plans. I want the man who I adore currently to know how I feel, yet I fear telling him... cause I don't know if it is real, or just perceived in a false perspective. So I say nothing... cause really - what would it do? I have risked before, and been left by the wayside - so now, I risk nothing. I say nothing. I just hope that all of the writings of eroticism allure him and he let's me know that he knows how I feel, and it is either ok, or he feels the same. I don't wish to make anyone feel uncomfortable.
My days are spent hiding. Watching TV shows and living vicariously through other people and characters. I have no life, I have an existence. I feel more comfortable dropping $1400 on a vacation in a foreign country than to drop $20 on a cover charge to meet up with people who don't get me. Maybe I am pathetic, maybe I am to be sad and lonely all of the days of my life... but on days like this, I want it all to end. I want to die - yet I am too cowardly to end my life. If it were not for my five felines, I swear I would simply find a way to end my days. I fight daily to keep my sanity, to project an appearance that everything is ok, that I am in the best place of my life. Well I am not. And I just wish, someone would see me, and say "hey, wanna grab a drink and have a great conversation?"
Til then, I hide in my home and cry as I write this. It may just be a pathetic 40 something year old seeking attention, or it may just be a woman reaching out, hoping that someone sees her hand, and holds on. Tomorrow I will wear the mask of *all is well* again. But today, I weep, and wash my soul. Since I am the only one who sees the wonderful person that I am, and dares to give me what I need.
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