Lonely & Wonderful

"I am the loneliest most wonderful woman you will ever meet.  I will make you laugh, and feel great about yourself. Yet deep down, I don't know how to do it for myself."

If you meet me, as a client, you will think I am so happy, and poised, and confident, and talented and knowledgeable.  You will wonder how I could be alone, or single, or not making millions of dollars... it is because I have been shown, I am not worth anyone's time.  Now, before you assume that I feel I am not worthy, on the contrary.  I KNOW I am worthy.  I have people that I am friendly with, but I have no friends.  No one hangs out with me, no one invites me out.  No one says "hey a bunch of us are meeting here, it would be amazing if you joined us."  I have tried to organize gatherings, to no avail.  I have invited work colleagues for drinks with an interest until a date is selected, then no one is available.  And then no other date is made.  I have gone out of my way to ensure that no one has to feel the way I do.  I am giving, and loving and passionate - Yet the only people who know live in other countries or continents.  My best friends are the 5 felines who live with me.  I have never been in a loving relationship that wasn't 1 sided.  And no man has ever adored me so much so as to go out of his way to make me feel special.  My local friends don't call, or text or even show up on my social media.

I AM AN EMPTY VESSEL

No one sees me.

My apartment is a mess cause I don't have the will to clean it, though I try daily to.  I have started to try to wear make up on most days just to ensure that I look somewhat attractive to others.  I have suffered depression but what I really suffer is from a lack of connection.  I try not to wear my pain on my sleeve cause a weeping 40 something year old is pathetic.  I am exercising, eating better, utilizing more positive self talk and yet... these feelings of woe - of paralyzing loneliness affect me.  I am in enamored with a man, who I cannot express my feelings to (it's complicated), I have a mother who adores me to know end who it would tear her heart to know I feel like this.  But I do.  As much as I bury it, it is there.  What do I want?  I want people to actively let me know that I am valued, that I matter in their life.  I want them to keep asking me to go out until I finally do  I want to stop only being down on Sundays, and I want to live my fucking life - outside!  I want to meet people who stay in my life, who actively care about what my thoughts are.  Who can have intelligent conversations with me and move my soul.  I am trapped in an undesirable body, so that keeps a lot of people away - and to top it off, most days, I don't give a fuck to dress well.

I know this time it is not SAD as I was fine yesterday - fine this week - then suddenly, like a transport truck hit me - a tsunami of emotional sorrow hits me.  And the rawness of just how alone I feel comes.  I don't know how many people in my situation feel this way - but I am sharing this now.  This is my soul.

I live in a wasteland of zombies - too attached to their electronic devices.  Too scared to make eye contact or smile.  My resting bitch face is becoming tiresome... and I want to smile!  I want to feel so overjoyed that when I enter a room, I am not faking it.  I want people to see me.  I want a man to ask me out to dinner and not then go MIA when I accept and want to make plans.  I want the man who I adore currently to know how I feel, yet I fear telling him... cause I don't know if it is real, or just perceived in a false perspective.  So I say nothing... cause really - what would it do?  I have risked before, and been left by the wayside - so now, I risk nothing.  I say nothing.  I just hope that all of the writings of eroticism allure him and he let's me know that he knows how I feel, and it is either ok, or he feels the same.  I don't wish to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

My days are spent hiding.  Watching TV shows and living vicariously through other people and characters.  I have no life, I have an existence.  I feel more comfortable dropping $1400 on a vacation in a foreign country than to drop $20 on a cover charge to meet up with people who don't get me.  Maybe I am pathetic, maybe I am to be sad and lonely all of the days of my life... but on days like this, I want it all to end.  I want to die - yet I am too cowardly to end my life.  If it were not for my five felines, I swear I would simply find a way to end my days.  I fight daily to keep my sanity, to project an appearance that everything is ok, that I am in the best place of my life.  Well I am not.  And I just wish, someone would see me, and say "hey, wanna grab a drink and have a great conversation?"

Til then, I hide in my home and cry as I write this.  It may just be a pathetic 40 something year old seeking attention, or it may just be a woman reaching out, hoping that someone sees her hand, and holds on. Tomorrow I will wear the mask of *all is well* again.  But today, I weep, and wash my soul.  Since I am the only one who sees the wonderful person that I am, and dares to give me what I need.

Broken Past

No one knew the depths of his pain, and no one would.  There was only one task to complete: the death of his uncle.  Prior to Jacob's rule, his nephew Tiron, was supposed to be king.  Yet this did not come to pass as Jacob made sure that his assassins would find Tiron's parents, and slay them and the boy.  One of the families maidens hid the boy, as it was foretold by a local seer that Tiron would return to claim back his land.  Tiron was the type of man that women wanted to serve, and men wanted to become.  He was charismatic, powerful and commanding, using his mesmerizing deep brown eyes, and bass toned voice.  He had poise and skill and would win his fare of food, drink and women.  Until Shyaan.  She put a spell upon him like no other.  And since she was not of the witch clan there was nothing that Tiron could do about it.  Shyaan had a full figure, where as Tiron enjoyed a more lean woman.  Shyaan would speak to Tirons soul, where as he was used to the woman becoming who he wanted them to be.  Yet, Shyaan was indeed a witch, just not from these lands.  Her magick was made possible by forces that Tiron would soon come to know, if of course, he took action towards this goal.  But Tiron was thirsty for his kingdom, and the demise of his uncle.  Rather than choose revenge or passion, Tiron chose them both, and would stop at nothing to have all that he had ever desired.

*excerpt of a greater work - by Arthena Sophia*

** art is "Assassin's Creed Tony Stark" by zeroskilled **

Lost on Him

She knew she was dark fae.
When she looked back to all of the days of her life, all of the luck she seemed to have surround her, and all of the people she seemed to attract was effortless.  Her magick cultivated to a ripe age of 327 earth years.  It was then she fell for the human, Jack.  Jack was a simple man, but raised from a prominent family.  His gifts were latent and yet She knew, that she could help him discover is greatest potential.  She hid her true nature for as long as she could, until the day that Jack, saw her wings.  She was having the most horrible back pain (a sign she had been human too long) and decided to relax and extend herself to her maximum.  It was then that unbeknownst to her, Jack had started to use his second sight.  His voice agasp as he looked upon her again - beautiful, dark, powerful, and deadly.  Jack had a death wish most of his entire life, feeling unworthy of the beneficial life he was given as he amounted to nothing.  She believed in him. And she befriended him.  While Jack was grateful to her for the gifts she had bestowed upon him, he still felt unworthy.  As she grew in her own power, suddenly one day, she knew, that she wasn't looking at him on level ground, but that she was slightly above him, rising.  Her frequency powering her wings as she started to recall  her nature, her power and her people.  This did not sadden her, for she knew that she had done all that she could to help Jack.  What did sadden her, is that Jack did nothing to help himself.  There was no pact made, no trade of this for that.  She simply wanted to do something good, for someone who thought he wasn't.  As she heightened her frequency, she began to attract other fae, and soon, her true mate appeared.  Sent in human form just like her.  When she peered into his deep chestnut eyes, she knew that this was the energy she would call home.  He took her hand, and they walked back to their home world, leaving only the pile of clothes they wore, as human.

*excerpt of a greater work, by Arthena Sophia*

** Art is "Night Elf" by Dropdeadcohead on DeviantArt **

Murder On My Mind

There is a calm among madness which stirs up thoughts of such ferocity, that man has not ever seen.  It is the mind of the one who desires restoration, balance, and selflessness.  It is the mind tired of those who have taken, and spit upon the misfortune of others.  It is the mind of the high priestess of whole-istic magick.  And it is the mind of myself.  Thanks to a very very strong sense of right/wrong, I know it is not honorable to kill another just cause they perturb me.  But there are moments, like today, when I need an outlet.  When I want a "purge" to take place and to annihilate those who would disrupt my peace.

I target those who are selfish, and lost so far into the program, that rehabilitation is not possible.  I have thoughts of purging their soul of evil so that they would return to a world and live in harmony, to find the love and acceptance then need to be held in grace.  

But my thoughts, these thoughts are my own torment, for I feed them the blood lust they need by mentally enacting scenes of rage and violence only a Tarantino film could emulate.  This is part of the darkness of my soul, this is the part of the side of me I hide - until tonight, where energy is being harvested during a vast hypnosis known as "american football".  I have fantasies of destroying arenas, of annihilating those who participate in rituals of the dark harvest - yet... sometimes, people I love attend. And sometimes - people are just so young and needing a distraction, their fear of self discovery carpeted over like a stain on the floor.

I am working, quite diligently to keep my sanity at this time, to not allow my own madness enough rope to actually act out on these dark thoughts - but they are there, and they want action.  So instead I write.  I write them here to give them a voice, and to share, that some of us who really want to enact a scene from a Kali-Ma greeting card, are strong enough to not engage in physical activity to support this.  That as much as the cabalic forces want me to rage so hard that I lose myself to it - which of course would ultimately destroy the very being I am working so diligently on becoming. 

I am on day 3 of menses, the high point of violent thinking and also of power.  I am also at the point where my body is so tired of being part of the minority that sees the disruption, separation and division that sport activities create.  Yet, I am also aware that I live of a time of transition.  We are removing the times of illusion, and bringing it all to light - so too shall my self that rages.  In time, she will be no more, and in time I will be able to sit in the sun, in peace and bliss, knowing I am complete, and whole in my joy.  So as you have read this, know, that this part of my mind, is kept very well guarded, and on constant surveillance by my own will.  I pray it never become compromised.

-Arthena Sophia-

*Image of Rhianna from her track: "bitch better have my money"*