Haunted: It Continues

Another dream, yet the complexity of it is absolutely delicious. Mending of who we have been to one another, a reconciliation in the ether, and finally a confession: "I love her. I fucking love her ok?!!" He happened to announce to his parents in the other room not knowing I was walking down the hall. Then he left, a sudden absence due to that he had finally acknowledged the ghost that haunted him and was overwhelmed by it, or in this case ME. When he returned after I had had a change of clothes he wished to talk with me. Peering into his eyes I softly spoke "I fucking love you too." His gaze broke away from mine as though I had caught him in a lie... But instead he quickly met my ocular portals again. With our vision locked to one another, I walked towards him. I leaned up slowly to ask silently if I could kiss him. He didn't move, but instead welcomed me to him as though a hunger was patiently waiting to be fulfilled. I kissed his bottom lip and mouth gently, then he returned the juicy and fully expressed kiss to answer my question to do this. I was holding the lapels of his dark grey autumn coat as I released myself from our kiss. Peering into his brown eyes I knew we were ok. But in the dream, the only reason for the confession was due to his moving out of my province and he figured he'd never see me again so why not come clean. He had to pop out again to make further arrangements but promised to return to me so we may have better time together and to see what is to happen.

I woke from this dream feeling sad, loved, playful, and accepted. Yet part of me wonders if his soul essence simply wanted to give me a heads up on not ever seeing him again. It has been months since I have, and yet I may honestly say that my dream version of him is much more delectable that his corporeal self. I will now confess, I am still in love with the ghost of him, but have completely let go of him in the physical. Living multidimensionally is complicated to some, but to myself, it is another day of my life.

~ Arthena Sophia

The Deepest Cut

Ryohei Hase - "Empty hole inside of me"

I found it.
The center of all of my pain, anguish, desperation, longing, and resentment.  It was terrifying.  And yet, now that it is found, I can collect what I need to to start to heal that aspect torn from my whole self.
I did not realize that I had re-told a story so well that even I didn't know my truth... not at this deep of level.  Well, I asked for it, and the corners of my shade were revealed.  I will not go into details, but I am on the path to find out why I self sabotage, and what the reasons are behind it.  Sure I can say because I feel unworthy, and undeserving... but in actuality it is the opposite.  I totally feel I deserve it and am greatly worthy... but I am perturbed that not many others seems to feel this way.  I am tired walking this lonely road of the hermitted over-thinker.  The brilliant female mind among a sea of male condemnation.  I am also tired. Tired of searching, seeking, and yearning for something that is out of my reach.  I chose to stop seeking in my dreams, and as a result of this practice, I have also stopped searching to 'fix' myself in my reality.  I do not know the path I walk, as it is basked in shadow.  I only know that the light within me guides me to a truth which will set me free.  Sadly, I had to cut pretty deep to reveal the skin that was falsely covering up a history of delusion.  As a strong and bold woman, to come face to face with a deep vulnerability was a shame all unto itself.  I do not feel shame, well, I didn't feel shame. Until recently.  I am ashamed that it has taken me so long to uncover this painful part of me.  Yet, as my pain body begins to express itself, I am present to listen and follow up with actions to provide me with clarity, energy, and empowerment renewed. 

To revisit pain, is to see anew, what was once unseen.
May my path provide me with the personal power I deserve, to change my life for the best.

By Arthena Sophia

Haunted by the Ghost of Him

He had me.
Right in the palm of his hands.
Yet...
He did nothing.

When the one you love is actually the ghost of the man who walks this earth, it is difficult to tell the heart that the one we love is just an astral body - the higher consciousness of the one whose name is on our heart.  The corporeal figure seems to want nothing to do with me... and my only speculation is this is due cause he would not be able to hide from me.

I know in my life, that this man would have received great blessings, very early in his life, if he chose to love me in a way that was built on friendship, and based in trust.

You cannot MAKE a Scorpio trust you.  I learned that a LONG time ago.  But what is also true, is that you cannot MAKE a Taurus lose the love in her heart so easily.  Both stubborn as fuck, and to watch these two dance a detangled tango is dizzying... but when it works - oh lord break out the fireworks.  But that is not the purpose of this post.  This blog is as much of an open wound as I am about to share with the world.  You see I am that Taurus, and the Scorpio that has my adoration is too close for comfort - quite literally.
I never fell in love with this man, for that would mean I would have lost my wits.
And so I am not falling out of love with him, that would mean I was a fool to fall twice.
My eyes have been open, and I have peered into the assholeness of this lad, and been in awe of his brilliance.  But one single moment remains when my heart chose him.  A simple conversation.  He confessed to me of him questioning the reality around him.  And I thought "YES! He is awakening." only to find that no he was not, he was just being an asshole.  The kindness and platonic affection we did playfully share with one another for a while, until... recently, was fantastic.  I thought for sure he and I would at least have an affair. But no.
We share one thing though... our dreamworld.
I feel him, and know his higher self desires my love.
I know he feels me too - yet is not obvious with his knowing.
His psychic abilities are on point, but his physical actions are fouled. 
There is so much more to him, than many would see - but now he won't let me see him.  This saddens me.  So while I write this out, know my heart is heavy, for a man whose spark ignited a flame in me, a woman who loves the ghost of the man she craves, since the physical man is not yet ready to grow within himself, and acknowledge the unique bond he shares with her.
Love is such that we are shamed to share it
In a society that would prefer drama and tension over joy.

My heart is heavy this night, and if my fellow Scorpio should happen to hear the words that pour from my soul, may he always know, that he helped me, when I needed him most.

~In mournful loss,
Arthena Sophia

Missed Opportunity

He chose the wrong one.

The path most travelled.

Thinking he could have joy, fulfillment, and self satisfaction.

He thought love was waiting for him... but it did not last long. One, two, maybe three years of marriage; or was it when the first baby was born?  He was creating what he knew, and what he also didn't want.  He was forced under the knife of obligation to acheive what a man of his background should: Get married and have children preferably before the age of 30.  His sister did, his cousin did - so why couldn't he?  And after 12 years being locked into a loveless marriage, he wanted out.  He knew he should have listened to his heart and went for that feisty older woman with the spirit of a gypsy; at least for a little while.  He knew he should have challenged the status quo, and command that he be accepted as he is, not the mold they had squeezed him into.  He made a miss-take, or received a lesson.  His heart was heavy for the love he longed for, for the love he knew the gypsy woman could have given him.  He wondered that if he contacted her after the divorce from his wife, if she would still love him.  He wondered if the touch of her hand would heal his heart.  It was this day, a glorious and sunny day, so many years after he chose the wrong path, that she had found the loving mate she was seeking.  He saw his lost love in the arms of a strong and yet gentle faced man, both of them smiling from their soul.  It was this day, that he knew, he had lived his life for other people, and never once was brave enough to live his life, for his true spirit.

~ by Arthena Sophia

Reforging the Vessel

Erotic

my head tilts back

muse

my hair canopying

like water made of keratin

pain rushing up

lanes of myelin

releasing blood vessels

into the place of 

uncomfortable pleasure

bounty

as tissue is torn and woven

to reforge a new body

I bask now in the ecstasy

of healing

while memories of

sweet torture mend

a once adhered

vessel. 

By Arthena Sophia

Revisiting the Shadows

"revisiting the shadows

of where I once stood

not once do I flinch

this is my neighbourhood

familiar by name

this dark place has become

and now where I stand

this blackness is home."

~Arthena Sophia

This place, this dark place of my own solitude and secrets smells of camphor and whiskey.  This place welcomes me again as I wonder the endless book cases of my thoughts during this life.  I walk over to one, which seems dusty n old, and read the context "growing up". As I open the pages I laugh at all of the thoughts I have had on this very subject.  Today I realized as I traveled via public transport, how juvinile we are in our 20's.  We have no idea who we are, not even individually.  We are still a slave to our emotions, even if we ponder them.  We still take everything personally.  So I look at myself, and who I have become, and who I want to be.  The things I take personally, are now meant for me to personally take, and transmute into something more.  My reaction to non-acceptance, my aggressive opinions meant to antagonize, and my reaction to ignorance, all are ways to which I am becoming mature.  Now as I transition 8 to 9 (coded, don't try to figure it out) I stumble upon an insight that I was cultivating long before this moment.  The subject of maturity.

Many people who are acclaimed minds have stated along the lines that maturity is the responsibility of self, all emotions, thoughts and behaviours. But I will take it a bit further now, maturity IS the age which one no longer needs the temperament of childhood to create what they desire.  For example: whining.  A mature person will not whine to get something, they will simply ask.  A second example is temper tantrums: a mature person will not rant and flail when they do not obtain what they want, but accept the circumstance and try another way to which they may receive it (void of emotional outbursts).

I took stock in a relationship that I had when I was 36 and my boyfriend was 22.  We lived together for a short while.  But I grew frustrated, and actually had a few temper tantrums, when he would not behave how I wanted him to.  How juvinile of me to even expect.  At 22, a legal adult is not a man, he has barely left his mother's womb.  There is no way for the average 22 year old to even comprehend the demands of life, and the responsibility to self if they choose to grow.  My gosh, at 22, all I wanted to do was dance, drink, hang out with friends, copulate, and shop.  I had no desire to work hard, save, pay bills, and be a responsible member of society.  I still lived at home, and had most of my things covered for survival.  Life was easy... but I was a brat.  When I revisit my clueless expectations of this relationship, I see how ignorant and lost I really was.  Now, as I am approached by 20 somethings, I look at what they have to offer me, and what I have to offer them - and if it is mutually beneficial.  I also must look at my realistic expectations of a relationship with these people.

I hear over and over again the cries of babies in adult bodies wanting love... yet, is their not a neighbouring infant also crying the same cries? They should arrange a play date and end their tears.  But it is not that simple.  Society expects so much of those graduating from university in their mid 20's that I feel we as a society need to stop this.  These young people are still of infant mind.  Their needs are still of ego, and narcissm.  They simply need time to grow UP.  The only sure fire way for any young person to mature at an earlier age, is when they are made to work to support the home, or go out to find food for their siblings.  Or be sent out to beg, so that the family has heat for the winter.  THIS grows maturity.  Life experience grows maturity.  Not neccesarily AGE.  I was talking to a brilliant mind yesterday how one woman I knew lived at home, unmarried, until she was 46 (when we stopped being in contact).  Yet in so many ways, she was a child.  A girl in a woman's body wanting a mate to behave as daddy.  Oh how this is so misguided in our age today.  We coddle our children way too long, and protect ourselves from them leaving the nest - but they must.  They must go out and see the world on their own.

I observe now, the millennials who are not 20'something cool, but are actually adult fools trying to find the emerald city.  They are told to do this or buy that, yet have no clear guidance how to be who they are.  This is one of my jobs, or life purposes.  Not to raise another persons adult child, but to let them know that it is ok to explore the world, to wonder the dark corridors of self, to feel all emotions and to learn to master them.  I encourage all people, of all ages still stuck in infancy, to leave the nest, to fly.  We cannot truly know who we are, until we are tested with life trials to find out.  Only through pain, pressure, discomfort and survival, will we know how strong, vulnerable, wise, ignorant, intelligent or dumb we are.  Only when we are brave enough to light a torch to enter the unknown, will we then know ourselves.

My writing of this blog is a way for me to acknowledge where I have gone, and remind myself where I am going.  today I hold onto the adage "do not let the behaviour of others disturb your inner peace." It is on this day, that I feel, I may have begun to apply this.

Peace and Light as you travel your shadows,
Arthena Sophia

Lonely & Wonderful

"I am the loneliest most wonderful woman you will ever meet.  I will make you laugh, and feel great about yourself. Yet deep down, I don't know how to do it for myself."

If you meet me, as a client, you will think I am so happy, and poised, and confident, and talented and knowledgeable.  You will wonder how I could be alone, or single, or not making millions of dollars... it is because I have been shown, I am not worth anyone's time.  Now, before you assume that I feel I am not worthy, on the contrary.  I KNOW I am worthy.  I have people that I am friendly with, but I have no friends.  No one hangs out with me, no one invites me out.  No one says "hey a bunch of us are meeting here, it would be amazing if you joined us."  I have tried to organize gatherings, to no avail.  I have invited work colleagues for drinks with an interest until a date is selected, then no one is available.  And then no other date is made.  I have gone out of my way to ensure that no one has to feel the way I do.  I am giving, and loving and passionate - Yet the only people who know live in other countries or continents.  My best friends are the 5 felines who live with me.  I have never been in a loving relationship that wasn't 1 sided.  And no man has ever adored me so much so as to go out of his way to make me feel special.  My local friends don't call, or text or even show up on my social media.

I AM AN EMPTY VESSEL

No one sees me.

My apartment is a mess cause I don't have the will to clean it, though I try daily to.  I have started to try to wear make up on most days just to ensure that I look somewhat attractive to others.  I have suffered depression but what I really suffer is from a lack of connection.  I try not to wear my pain on my sleeve cause a weeping 40 something year old is pathetic.  I am exercising, eating better, utilizing more positive self talk and yet... these feelings of woe - of paralyzing loneliness affect me.  I am in enamored with a man, who I cannot express my feelings to (it's complicated), I have a mother who adores me to know end who it would tear her heart to know I feel like this.  But I do.  As much as I bury it, it is there.  What do I want?  I want people to actively let me know that I am valued, that I matter in their life.  I want them to keep asking me to go out until I finally do  I want to stop only being down on Sundays, and I want to live my fucking life - outside!  I want to meet people who stay in my life, who actively care about what my thoughts are.  Who can have intelligent conversations with me and move my soul.  I am trapped in an undesirable body, so that keeps a lot of people away - and to top it off, most days, I don't give a fuck to dress well.

I know this time it is not SAD as I was fine yesterday - fine this week - then suddenly, like a transport truck hit me - a tsunami of emotional sorrow hits me.  And the rawness of just how alone I feel comes.  I don't know how many people in my situation feel this way - but I am sharing this now.  This is my soul.

I live in a wasteland of zombies - too attached to their electronic devices.  Too scared to make eye contact or smile.  My resting bitch face is becoming tiresome... and I want to smile!  I want to feel so overjoyed that when I enter a room, I am not faking it.  I want people to see me.  I want a man to ask me out to dinner and not then go MIA when I accept and want to make plans.  I want the man who I adore currently to know how I feel, yet I fear telling him... cause I don't know if it is real, or just perceived in a false perspective.  So I say nothing... cause really - what would it do?  I have risked before, and been left by the wayside - so now, I risk nothing.  I say nothing.  I just hope that all of the writings of eroticism allure him and he let's me know that he knows how I feel, and it is either ok, or he feels the same.  I don't wish to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

My days are spent hiding.  Watching TV shows and living vicariously through other people and characters.  I have no life, I have an existence.  I feel more comfortable dropping $1400 on a vacation in a foreign country than to drop $20 on a cover charge to meet up with people who don't get me.  Maybe I am pathetic, maybe I am to be sad and lonely all of the days of my life... but on days like this, I want it all to end.  I want to die - yet I am too cowardly to end my life.  If it were not for my five felines, I swear I would simply find a way to end my days.  I fight daily to keep my sanity, to project an appearance that everything is ok, that I am in the best place of my life.  Well I am not.  And I just wish, someone would see me, and say "hey, wanna grab a drink and have a great conversation?"

Til then, I hide in my home and cry as I write this.  It may just be a pathetic 40 something year old seeking attention, or it may just be a woman reaching out, hoping that someone sees her hand, and holds on. Tomorrow I will wear the mask of *all is well* again.  But today, I weep, and wash my soul.  Since I am the only one who sees the wonderful person that I am, and dares to give me what I need.